burn baby burn

I joined a gym this week. I feel a whole mix of emotions surrounding this decision, which from the outside seems very simple.

I had a consultation with some guy named Justice. It was quite funny, I walked up to the front desk and said that I had an introductory consult, and the girl at the desk said "Ok, you have an appointment with Justice." I laughed and said "Well that sounds ominous" and she just kind of blinked at me. Tough crowd.

Anyway, Justice showed me the gym and did his job trying to sell it to me, and he did a good enough job despite his over enthusiasm and obvious manipulation that I did in fact join. One of the things they gave me is a free personal training consultation. Now, there are two things about this that have bothered me in the past. The last gym I went to I refused the beginning consult because I knew that they would 1) be trying to sell me personal training and 2) that I would have to actually have someone measure and witness my overall weight/body fat index. That thought was terrifying. I didn't even want to know what it was. This time, however, I said yes.

I showed up for my first ever personal training session.. well 5 minutes late. I realized as I was running down the block to get there in time that I had forgotten to bring a lock for my locker, and I would need one for sure. I ran into a dollar store and bought the first one I saw, and then ran back to the gym (I was getting a head-start on my work out.... sorry bad joke.) I got changed, wrote my lock combo on a piece of paper and stuck it the only place I felt was safe: in my shoe, and I strolled off to meet my trainer. He was a lovely guy, very charming but also down to earth and I was put at ease in a matter of minutes. He also quickly dropped that he had a girlfriend which also helped to defuse any of those crazy thoughts wondering "is he flirting with me or doing his job? Should I be less friendly, I don't want to give him the wrong idea? Will he still flirt with me once he sees how out of shape I am?" Thank god.

I won't go into full detail of how much of a fool I made of myself, but let's just say that I am a teensy bit out of shape, and when I was shown how to actually properly do a push up and use the muscles I am meant to, I collapsed on the bar and almost choked myself on it. The ab work outs were pretty funny too, and one upper body strength exercise on an exercise ball went so poorly that I fell very awkwardly onto the ground, kind of along the lines of a flapping fish out of water, and he decided we should just move on to the next exercise. In any case, it was informative, and I see that I am definitely starting at the beginning.  

Anyway, some of the questions that he asked me were ridiculous, and I found it amusing how difficult it was to explain my actor-y lifestyle on this teeny little form. However some of the questions actually hit me quite hard. I was asked by Justice the day before what celebrity I would like my body to look like and I was stunned. I couldn't believe that they were asking me that. It felt like they were asking me if I was getting a nose job, who's nose would I want. It seemed ridiculous, but I was too shocked to come up with an intelligent answer, however when it came up with my trainer today I simply said "I don't want to try to look like anyone but me. I know that I will never look like a certain celebrity as I have a different body type than them, and so it would only be unrealistic." luckily my cool trainer loved this answer, and we moved on.

This is what brings me to one of my many whirling emotions about joining a gym. There is a part of me that feels bad, like I am betraying who I am by saying that I want to change my body. I am such a believer that the television and film industry does not come even CLOSE to representing the body types of the real world, particularly women, and I have always said that I will not conform. Now, that said, I also think that part of that voice is completely right, and part of that voice is fear. Part of that voice is an excuse that I give to myself so that I can't possibly fail. I also know in my heart that I will never be a crazy skinny hollywood lady, so I really don't have to worry about feeling that I am conforming, as I can control that.

The part of me that is coming from fear knows that I am not at my healthiest. It knows that I am terrified by the idea of making a goal and not being able to reach it. It knows that in my heart, up until today, I never thought it could be possible for me to be anything but the slightly chubby, but not huge girl lacking in muscle and athleticism. It wasn't until I heard my trainer say that it would be absolutely possible for me to reach my goals that I ever considered it possible. That's pretty cool.

Now as for the actual beginning measurements, I was still hesitant, but my trainer said it best when he explained "You are already what you are, and not knowing the numbers won't change that, but knowing the numbers will bring it into your awareness." Basically, ignoring the problems does not make them go away. Smart man.

Of course I still have some issue with some gym techniques, and manners, and I cannot afford to continue personal training, and I have been taught through Alexander technique and movement work that I have to be aware of my own body and keep tabs that I am not over-using any of my muscles in the wrong way. So I will not be entirely drinking the kool-aid, is what I'm saying. However, I have never seen the experience in such a positive light before. I have also never asked for help with it, and now I have.

As for my last main issue, it is simply this: I have been working hard at accepting myself and loving myself just the way I am. If that is true, isn't it wrong to say that I need to get into better shape? In fact that is the justification I have given myself. The true answer is: no. By truly loving myself I can accept myself no matter what I look like, or how in shape I am. That is independent of the fact that because I truly love myself, I want to do what I can to keep my body healthy and strong, to be a vessel to work with and carry out whatever it is that I am supposed to do. Because I love myself, I am making changes. The true blessing in this is that I want to succeed, but there is no need to fear if I fail, because I will still always love myself no matter what.

 

Love and kindness all.

HELP!

This week I had the pleasure of helping some other people. I found myself wandering downtown on a very hot afternoon one day. (For anyone that has been following my past food blogs, it was yogurt day, and I was super excited because that meant I could have frozen yogurt!!!) I hopped into an Ed's real scoop, and on my way out I saw an opportunity. There was a young man asking for change, standing out in the incredible heat, and I felt guilty for enjoying my delicious cool treat, and I also was a little worried about him. I decided to buy him a bottle of water.  I continued on my way, and a few blocks later there were 2 more gentlemen asking for change, so I bought two more bottles of water and passed them out. I felt pretty darn good! I had done my part for the day! Interestingly, the last two gentlemen that I handed water too didn't seem as pleased, they seemed slightly disappointed that I handed them water and not money. In any case, I started on my trek for home.

I was waiting for the streetcar, and was checking the next time of arrival on my phone when I heard a very faint "excuse me." I looked up to see an older woman in a wheelchair in front of me.
"Sorry to bother you", she continued, "But I have been waiting to get into my building a block or so down and there hasn't been anybody there to help me get in. Would you mind?" I was slightly confused as to what the actual request was, but so moved that she had decided to ask me, that I gladly accepted. We headed down the street, and I started in on some small talk, to pass the silence, mostly about how hot it was. "Yes" she agreed "It is pretty dangerous for me, I was sitting outside for a long time, but I can't sit out anymore. It's just too hot." We got to her apartment, and I saw that it was equipped with the handicapped buttons that open both doors, but she explained to me that neither of them actually stay open long enough for her to get in, so she has to wait for someone to come whenever she wants to go home. Once we got inside, she politely asked if I could hold the elevator button for her, as it also wasn't long enough for her to get into the elevator, and lastly she could not reach the buttons on her own to press her floor number. I helped her into the elevator and as the door closed she politely thanked me for my help, and I started out of the unknown building.

As I very quickly moved my way outside, I found myself in tears thinking about how easy I had it. How this woman could not even get inside of her home (a home that was "supposedly" wheelchair friendly) on her own. I thought about how frustrating that must be, and how scary it must be to have to ask strangers for help. It was in that moment that I thanked god for my life, for my able body, and for that woman asking me for help. Her asking me for help made me feel honoured, special, and also absolutely humbled for the rest of my day.

So another great lesson: Asking for help actually makes other people feel good. Something that I need to remember when I am so good at convincing myself that I would be a bother to others, and that if I don't do it myself I can't be considered an independent, strong woman. In fact it is a scary thing to ask for help when we need it, and it takes a strong person to admit it. I hope that I can continue to be that strong person, and ask for help when it's needed. I hope that you all can too.

Love and kindness all.

food for thought... again.

As I sat down to write this blog today, all that was coming to mind was food, and I realize that the last blog I wrote was all about food too... you can see where my mind is these days.

In fact if anyone read my last blog you will understand when I woke up today and my first thought was "It's cheese day! I get to eat cheese today" and was a little bit too excited. 

Why food? Well, it is pleasurable, frankly. Delicious in fact. And eating is an activity that I can use to practice being in the moment, and enjoying life to the fullest. Of course this is not always the case, and like many people I find myself trying to create false comfort with food sometimes, and to re-create moments of pleasure in order to cover up pain.

Today I tried the most amazing mint ice cream. It is a non-dairy, coconut milk-based ice cream, and it is good. Too good. I went grocery shopping hungry again today, even though I know better, and bought it on a whim. I almost forgot about it until I was finishing up my tuna and cheese rice cracker make-shift lunch and I suddenly remembered the hidden jem in the freezer!

I pulled out a bowl and spoon and smoothly skimmed a small scoop of ice cream from the solid mass. As I sat down and settled in with the first silky spoonful, I was at peace. It was delicious, cold, fresh and wonderful, with just a hint of chocolate to ground the milky, minty mass. I slowly finished the last few bites and then got ready for work.

When I returned home after a tiring shift on my feet, I felt only the urge of re-living that relaxation. I got out a big scoop of ice cream from the freezer and gobbled it up while also sharing my attention with the musical episode of Grey's anatomy from season 7 (A pretty terrible episode of a pretty terrible show but Sara Ramirez has the voice of a damn angel so I couldn't stop watching.)

Anyway, it wasn't until I was practically... almost literally... licking the bowl that I realized it was gone. And then I wanted more. But I said no. For the first time that I can remember consciously doing so, I sat in that moment and did what many wonderful helpers and mentors in my life have instructed me to do: I simply took a breath.

It really is amazing what a simple breath can do, even though it is the simplest and almost stupidest advice given that we all obviously will breathe. The thing is, it worked. It calmed me down and made me realize that this moment I wasn't feeling relaxed, I wasn't feeling the same ease as earlier, and I may have even been feeling some exhaustion and pain, but that was okay. It was all okay to feel, and I was okay even though I was feeling it.

I would like to start giving myself more pats on the back for the little things that I accomplish on my journey, and this is one. I hope some of you can find comfort in simply breathing too.

Love and kindness all.

smooth as budda

I had an assignment today, to eat butter.

I should back track a little bit. I started to see a naturopath (which is wicked awesome, and I highly recommend it) and we have been trying to sort out my eating habits/sensitivities etc, etc. One of the things I was/ am worried about is dairy and so I went off of it for 4 weeks. (consecutively)

Anyway, now we are on the track of bringing back in different types of dairy and seeing if I .... react, ha! A fun experiment if you will.

For today's assignment, I was asked to eat butter. At least 2 large portions of butter. I realized that butter is something I have generally cut out for most of my adult life, since finding it isn't the healthiest of things, so I had a little bit of fun deciding how I would eat it.

I started to think about all of the best ways to eat butter. I decided on three. A butter tart, a butter croissant (with butter on it, of course) and corn on the cob, slathered in butter. Oh ya. Within about an hour I had already found a butter tart and scarfed that down, a little too fast. At the grocery store on my way home I found a butter croissant, and I barely made it out of the store before that one was gone. They were both good, but it was my third butter moment today that really took the cake... or the pat in this case.

I boiled up some corn. I melted the glorious yellow butter, I rolled the corn in the butter and then dusted it with just a pinch of salt. I sat on my couch in my comfortably air conditioned living room, and I ate my masterpiece. It was divine. The melted butter was so rich and full of flavor, like I was tasting it for the first time. Pure heaven.

So what was lesson in today? I think it was enjoying the little moments. Taking the time to indulge, because it makes all the difference. I don't think I will miss the butter again for a while, because I purely experienced it. And it was good. Another lesson? It's okay to indulge...once in a while ;)

Now I'm looking forward to cheese in a couple of days......

Love and Kindness all.

Thats what your face looks like

AAAHHHH! It has been way too long since my last blog. Here's to doing better this month!

This last few months I have been doing a lot of work on self study and self help, and a lot of it has needed private attention, so I haven't been broadcasting it, but I had a very interesting moment today that I thought I would share.

Last year I got new headshots done, and it had been about 6 or 7 years since the last time I had done them. I went in with this new fancy photographer, and my 18 zillion outfit choices. I had my hair done all purdy, my make up was applied with precision, and then we did the shoot!

After the shoot was done, the photographer called me over to start looking at the shots. He would point to many of them and say "Gorgeous. Isn't that amazing?" I found myself saying "Ya, wow!" with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, but really I was disappointed with most of them. I had wanted them to look beautiful, glamorous, super model-esque, really I wanted them to look like somebody else, not me.

When we came to one particular shot that he said was one of his choices I finally said "I don't know. I just don't like my face in this one. It just doesn't look great." He looked at me and said very seriously "But that's what your face looks like." In the moment it didn't really cause me pause, but a few days later I realized that he was absolutely right. That was my face. That was what my face looked like, but I had spent most of my life trying to have people see my face differently, in affect, change my face to what I wanted it to be. Of course that is impossible, but it was interesting how much energy I realized I had been expelling trying to do this.

I had a friend a few months ago tell me how much they hated their body. It makes me so sad to hear that from other people that I look at and think are beautiful and lovely in who they are. I told them to try looking in the mirror and admiring themselves part by part, as if they were someone else. No negativity allowed.

I have ventured to do so a few times, but I realized this morning that I have never ACTUALLY done that myself. So I did it. No make-up on, stripped down to nothing, I looked at every part of my body like it was someone else's, like I was admiring their beauty, and you know what? As cheesy as it sounds, it worked. I saw beauty. Beauty that I haven't seen in myself in a long time (sadly, if ever.)

This was a major step for me today, and one that I encourage anyone reading this to do for themselves. We practice focusing on what we need to change in ourselves on a daily basis. That is a great thing when it comes to some aspects, but I have decided that it is about damn time to decide that I don't need to change one thing about my physical body. Change will happen, but I will accept myself, and find the beauty, no matter what.

Love and kindness all.