"Hi there, I was just wondering if you are currently hiring?"
"Oh, I don't think so, but we are always accepting resumes."
"Oh, okay, well I guess I'll drop one off anyway..."
"Oh no, we don't actually accept them here, like in the store, you have to go online and fill out the application, and download it, and then do the online questionnaire. Then they usually call for a phone interview, and then maybe an in person interview. I mean, If you make it that far."
"Oh...Okay. Thanks."
"Thanks for stopping by David's Tea. Have a nice day."
So here's the deal. I am in a new city, in the middle of February, and I am looking for a job. Not exactly the most ideal time to find one, but 'tis the situation. I have been encountering some very interesting advertisements, to say the least, so I have decided to chronicle my job search by opening up the old blog here, and letting y'all laugh/cry/crawl into a hole and hide away from the world along with me!
To start it off, I would love to talk about my latest interview experience, which we will title: I am a llama.
It started the usual way, I found a job posting online, on an arts website that had a listing of arts-type jobs. Animator. It looked somewhat interesting, and was asking for people who were theatrically inclined and like working with children, and needed to have an interest in science- I really don't know anything about science but that doesn't mean I'm not "Interested" right? And since it paid 5$ more an hour than most of the jobs listed, I figured I could fake it-so it seemed perfect! I sent in the exhausted, copy and pasted cover letter with the right position inserted at the top, and an extra line about how much I love science, and I was done.
A couple of days later I received an email from the HR department saying that I had passed the first screening for the animator position. (Go me!) and they would like me to fill out a form to see if I qualified for the second stage. Okey doke. The form mainly consisted of what hours of availability I had, and if I was willing to work a variety of shifts, and some very basic information about me. Pfff Easy peazy! I sent it off feeling like a rock star who had definitely just passed the second screening.
A day later, I received another email from HR congratulating me for making it to the interview stage, offering me times that I could come in for the interview, and an attachment stating what I had to prepare for the interview.
So for this position, there was an attachment stating that as part of the hour long interview, I would be asked to perform a science experiment geared towards a grade 4-6 class, and I would have to explain the science behind the experiment in a fun way. Shit. At that moment I knew I could turn it down, but there is something inside of me that through the job application process turns into a competitive beast. "Lawyer? Psshh I could totally do that. Investment banker? No problem. Fire fighter? Just give me a hose, and I'll show you how it's done." I needed to get this job! So, I went online and found a whole bunch of science experiments.
As I browsed, I started to see how many of them required a ridiculous amount of equipment that I really didn't feel like finding. (Even though I was driven, I really didn't want it to take up my whole weekend.) So I started to dwindle the list down to the experiments that only required things I had in my house...like paper and markers, and then I found it. The bird cage experiment. The logistics of it are: you stare at a paper bird for 20 seconds and then look at a white paper with a cage on it and see an after image of the bird. So easy! Perfect. I set out my materials to start cutting out my birds and making the cage. I put on some netflix, to keep the mood light. Ooh "About Time" excellent choice... One and a half hours later I was crying like a baby, turned off the tv and realized that I had only cut out half a bird. I got down to business and before long the props were ready.
I re-read through the instructions and practiced my experiment, and then started reading the "how it works" section. Shit. This was some complicated anatomy/science stuff. Okay, I will do what I do best. Memorize!!
Two days later, after practicing on my mom, thanks mom, I was off to the interview. I felt more nervous than I have in a long time. It was so much worse than an audition. After talking myself out of camping out in the Tim Hortons instead of going, I finally arrived, set up my experiment and we were off.
To say it was awkward would be an understatement. I was up on the stage performing for two grown adults who were doing their best impression of annoying 10 year olds, blurting out information, and pretending to be bored. Regardless, I managed to get through it, forgetting one rather major part of the explanation, and being so out of breath in the middle that I had to pretend I was pausing for effect, but I got through it. It was done!
They asked me to tidy up my papers while they wrote a few notes, and then told me to pull the cloth off of a pile of objects on the table and pick one that I would improvise talking about to them. I pulled off the cloth to find 4 very science-y prop tools, and I didn't know anything about any of them. I felt like I was staring at a table of alien tools. I think one of them was some type of microscope? I was running out of time, so I picked up what looked like a globe, except it was all blue, and started asking them to tell me what shape it was. Before I knew it I was conducting an excursion to the middle of the Baltic sea, and I was asking them what we should bring along. It was a very long 3 minutes.
We were finally at the interview portion. Oh thank god. I'm really good at interviews. Seeing as I have had over 50 jobs in my life so far, I pretty much know what to expect...right???
At first it was the usual questions: "What would you bring to this position? What are your strengths? How did you hear about this job? Tell me about a time you dealt with an unruly customer? Can you tell me what the scientific process is?" Wait! what? The rest of that interaction went like this:
"Yes, the scientific process, do you know what it is?"
"Oh, yes, it is the process that a scientist, or anyone really, would go through when they're finding out if something is true or not"
"Okay, right, so can you tell me the steps of the scientific process?"
*This is where I was trying to will myself back to grade 9 science class with all of my might and remember the damn scientific process.*
"haha, well, I know you start with a question, and then do some experiments, and see if it works, and then there is a conclusion?"
"umm, okay, ya, kind of... Next question: Can you define Pseudo-Science?"
*Oh god!!*
"Oh, is that where something doesn't seem scientific but it is, or isn't science, but seems like science..."
"Okay, ya, that's kind of on the right path...Okay Kathy why don't you ask some questions."
*Thank you Kathy, for saving my life. *
"Yes, sure, so where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
I would like to rant about this question forever, but I won't. I will simply say, I think it's a stupid question. Even if I had a fantasy of where I would like to be in five years, I know that everything in my life could change tomorrow, so it's a ridiculous thing to ask. Not to mention that all I know they really want to hear, is that I have a potential for still working there in five years...which is bullshit, but hey, you gotta tell them what they want to hear.
So I try to dodge it completely and say:
"Oh, haha, well I'd like to be happy."
*I pause as she laughs to see if I get away with just saying that...She's looking at me again, waiting for me to finish. Damn.*
"And, I mean, I'm guessing I'll still be in Winnipeg. I mean, I am pretty sure I'll be in Winnipeg, I mean, yes, I'll be in Winnipeg."
"Okay, great, and where will you be in ten years?"
If I was a cartoon, I think smoke would have come out of my ears at that point. So, this questioning continued on for 40 minutes, while my brain worked overtime coming up with answers to many different scenarios, explained the importance of childhood education programs, told them about "Who I am" and then we got to the final question:
"Okay, last question: If you were an animal. What animal would you be?"
I am pretty sure I laughed out loud at this one. I don't remember as it was all a little fuzzy by this point, but I tried to buy myself time to make it look like I was thinking, but at this point my brain was so tired, it just didn't want to. I was searching for an animal. Any animal...I finally came up with one:
"I am a llama."
*There was a long pause. *
"A llama? Why would you be a llama, they're pretty quiet aren't they?"
I had no idea, but I was suddenly tasked with trying to not only make the llama sound like a very likeable and desirable creature, but also tell them how I was similar to a llama.
"Well, yes, they are quiet...but they are full of personality. They are really smart, but they are also ...umm...cheerful animals, and easy to get along with."
"Yes, and they spit a lot."
"Yes, yes they do."
"Okay, thanks so much for coming in. We will be in touch."
As I walked out of the room, I felt like I had run a marathon with my face. My arms hung very limply by my sides as I tried to get out of the building as quickly as possible and seek refuge. I was definitely getting a cookie after that one.
Oh, and I'm not waiting by the phone.
Love and kindness all.
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