Last week I had a pimple. It sounds like such a ridiculous sentence when it is written out like that, but at the time, it was devastating. I work, like many people, in very front-of-house environments, dealing directly with the public, and also as an actor, I tend to have auditions. In all of these cases, I am seen by a lot of people, and my face is front and center, and last week, in the center of that face was a giant zit.
Now, there are so many stories about teenagers who don't want to leave their houses when they have a pimple, and we all feel for them. It becomes a little bit more ridiculous as an adult to admit these things, but dammit, that is exactly how I felt! I know there are so many people in the world who have to deal with deformities and all kinds of horrible things, but this was not my logic brain reacting here, and I was freaking out. I was miserable. I realize now, looking back, that I even stayed inside the house more than I normally do, making excuses to not go out, mostly because I didn't want people to see my imperfections.
So now is the story of how out of control I became. I am working two jobs at the moment, and last week I had to commute between both of them most days. On one particular day when my pimple was very prominent, I just couldn't do it anymore, so during the hour that I had between my shifts I concocted a plan. I realized that based on where my pimple was located on my face, I could probably cover it up with a decently large-framed pair of glasses. Brilliant. The only problem here being, I don't actually wear glasses. So, I decided to head to a mall near-by and search out a pair. I began in a shoppers drug mart, looking through the sun glasses to see if there was a pair with clear lenses (as I remembered there being at one point through the fashion cycle of sunglasses. Unfortunately this trend seemed to be over. I did spot, however, the rack of reading glasses, and began perusing. As I tried on the lowest prescriptions, for a brief second I pondered if I could deal with the blurriness for a whole shift (which in retrospect is ridiculous) and I, thankfully, decided that I could not, and moved on to the next store. I looked through a dollar store, 2 clothing stores, a Winners, and another drug store, before I came to an accessory store with 2 pairs of clear sunglasses. I tried them on, very hopeful, and they were both huge, very oddly coloured, and completely uneblievable. Despite this fact, I bought one. I was feeling so desperate, I thought maybe it would work anyway...and it did cover up my pimple.
Before I left the mall, my last stop (as I was running out of time, and would now not have time to eat before going to job number two) was the glasses store in the mall. I outright lied to the sales lady and told her that I was doing a play and needed a pair of fake glasses for the performance. To which she asked, "Well why don't you just pop out the lenses of a pair of sunglasses?" Which would have been a brilliant solution if I was indeed needing them for a play. Instead I told her they needed to have lenses because the director was insistent, and she proceeded to tell me that the cheapest frames would still be $75. The sad part is I considered it for about 30 seconds before I thanked her and left the mall to catch the bus. On the bus ride, I put on the sunglasses and looked in the mirror.
I looked ridiculous. There was no way anyone would believe they were real glasses. I took them off and admired the pimple on my face. Yes it was noticeable, and yes a lot of people would see it. Was that really such a big deal? Really? I took a deep breath and put the glasses away in my purse, and then added just a little more blush to my cheeks. (To take focus away, of course.) And off I went to work.
While working my shift, I noticed an amazing trend. At least three women who I interacted with had acne on their faces. I realized that I did not like them any less as people, I did not find them less pretty, and I did not judge them. In fact, I was so happy to see that I was not alone in my imperfection.
The next day I did something I have never done before: I did not cover up my pimple before I went to work. I left it free for the world to see, and you know what? I maybe thought about it twice before going to work, and not once during. It didn't matter anymore. So that's what it all comes down to. Why was it such a big deal to me? Because that is not the way I wanted people to see me. I want to look "my best."The reality is, I can't control how people see me in any capacity. It was on my face, and there was no way I could magically make it disappear, so I might as well accept it.
This is true for so much of life. There are so many things I fight so hard against, wanting to control, but in reality, I have no control over them, and I am making my life more stressful by fighting. I mean, I went without lunch, and was almost willing to pay 75$ that I don't have, and to be almost blind for an entire shift just to cover up a pimple! If I can just, in fact, accept that some things will be the way they will be, and there is nothing I can do about it, I predict a much less stressful life.
Love and kindness all.
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