Well I haven't written since last year, and it is fitting that my inspiration once again is... our burlesque fundraiser the sequel!! I have agreed, again, to perform a burlesque number, and so we are off to the races with the emotional roller coaster that will ensue.
First up: How do you feel sexy again?
I feel like I had a lot of epiphanies last year about feeling sexy in my own skin, not trying to be someone else's version of what "sexy" was. I think that was all great, and awesome, and yet I can't quite remember how I got there. I feel like the first thing I need to do (other than plan and practice my routine, find a costume, take more classes...ppfff minor details) is get back to a place of feeling sexy in my own skin. So I decided to do what I usually do when I have a question: I googled it. I decided to try out all of the answers/ activities I found on google for this week's "Feel sexy" homework.
From some of the horrors that I found (The internet can really be a scary place. I was pretty sure trying to talk in a low, husky voice all of the time wasn't going to work for me, and neither was masterbating in public...) I picked out a few that seemed like they were more likely to work a little better:
- wear sexy underwear
-wear clothes that are sexy and make you feel good
- use your body language to project more confidence
- flirt
- develop a strut
- spend more time naked
- make eye contact with strange men and don't shy away
- smell really good
- use your eyes to play with someone
- wear tights
Alright, here were the results:
Whoever said confidence is sexy was on to something. So, last week I decided to just try a whole bunch of these at once. I put on my sexiest pair of underwear, put on a pair of tights and a skirt that made me feel that my ass was rocking it, did my hair up all purdy, put on a pair of heels, sprayed on a little extra vanilla body spray and strutted to the bus stop. I switched from the bus to a streetcar, and of course it was short turned, as usual, but I begrudgingly got off, and luckily another one came by rather quickly. I scrambled on to find a seat and from the corner of my eye I saw a young man sit down next to me. It's an interesting feeling when you know you are being looked at, like really looked at. You would think as an actor I would be used to this feeling, but it is a much different situation when that person is sitting right next to you, knees touching. I pretended not to notice and studied my cell phone so hard that I was almost cross-eyed, waiting for this weird sensation to stop. Low and behold, the young man turned to me and said "hi." I said "hi" back. Without wasting any time he continued with "What's your name?" I looked at this young man, who was looking a little bit worse for wear with an old army-green jacket on, and the stench of sweat, smoke and some kind of meat steaming from his pores, but I looked him in the eye, and I told him my name. Without returning the courtesy of his own name, he quickly moved to "Would you like to hang out sometime?" Wow he moves fast. This is the moment I hate.
I need to digress for a moment to point out that this is not an everyday occurrence for me. Other than the odd crazy/desperate man, I am not flooded with random meetings on streetcars or invitations to dinner, but as a woman (and I dare say any woman, but you can correct me if I'm wrong) by the time you make it past age 30, you have had enough of even just those crazy/drunk/desperate encounters to know you have two choices in this circumstance, that is to say if you are not interested in this person- as obviously it would be much easier if you are! Two options, and neither of them are fun. One: "I'm sorry I'm just not interested." I mean you can leave out the I'm sorry part, but I feel like it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, even if you are crazy or desperate. Two: "I'm seeing someone" or if you want to solidify it a bit more "I have a boyfriend." Obviously lying is not ideal, and ya it sucks to feel like you have to "be someone else's property" in order to have a man leave you alone, but in this case, with this smelly but sweet man, I didn't have the heart to shut it down completely, so I went with the more clean cut, fabricated "I'm seeing someone. Sorry." He quickly turned away and in a few minutes he was gone.
It took me a few minutes, sitting there with my new seat partner, a small Korean woman, to realize that this experiment was going hilariously well. I mean, the idea was to make myself feel more sexy, but within minutes of me leaving the house with an effort to feel sexy, I had caught the attention of the run down smelly man. It was kind of fun to feel powerful in my sexuality. That said, I very shortly after this reminded myself that I didn't want to feel sexier just because some man thought suddenly that I was attractive, NO! I wanted to feel sexier for me! This was just a side effect. Never the less, it did make me smile.
Spending more time naked seemed like a pretty fun idea, so off the clothes went. At first I was terrified that my roommate was going to walk in at any moment, just pull open my door and scream. A few seconds later, I had forgotten that thought and was pleasantly going about my business in the nude, until I realized I hadn't noticed that the curtain to my bedroom window was parted slightly open while I had been dancing around in my birthday suit. No idea if that was a public performance or not. Maybe for some people that would feel more sexy... not so much for me. I will say this: Sleeping naked= instant sexiness. Sliding into the sheets and feeling like a sexy little secret. I like that.
I tried keeping eye contact with several men on the subway the next day,
neither of them made me feel much of anything. The first time I think he
thought I knew him or something, so he kept looking back at me
puzzled... not the effect I was going for. The second time, he seemed to
be completely thrown off and stared directly at the floor until the
moment he left the train. It did not feel sexy.
So what have I taken from this week? Well, I'm headed in the direction of noticing when I am feeling sexy or not, which is a lot more than I could say about the weeks previous, so that's a good start. It is exciting to me to think about wanting to feel sexy again, and making little secret changes in order to assist with that feeling. I feel like the cloud's are parting, and my sexy inner self is starting to peek through.
Love and kindness all.
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