Today I wanted to wander aimlessly. Sometimes I just get
that way. The way my day worked out, however, was that I only had a few hours
to do so. I decided to allow myself to spend the hour and a half that I had to
kill in Ottawa by hopping on a bus and seeing where it took me, and going into
some random place. I knew what
direction I was heading, so it wasn’t as awesome as it sounds, but I didn’t
know what to expect. I took a bus South into old Ottawa, and got off at a
random stop, and wandered into a pub called “Patty’s Pub.” It was lovely.
I sat at a table right next to a fire, had a tea, and a
really sweet server who told me all about how she wanted to be an actor
someday, but right now she was a journalist, haha. I ordered the only think on
the menu that I have never tried in my little life, which was a potato pancake
dish that was special to this particular pub. They called it “Boxty” and I had
the one with salmon, sundried tomatoes and some kind of sauce on it. It was
delightful. And huge.
As I allowed my very full stomach to digest, and sipped on
some tea, I couldn’t help but start to notice the interesting conversation of
the two people sitting behind me. It was a man and a woman, who I immediately
assumed were a couple when I walked in, but now were discussing what the man
should do to confront his wife about how much money she is spending regularly.
I found myself instantly shocked, not because of the conversation, but the
relationship. I was puzzled by how blunt they were with each other, how fearlessly
they would question each other, and knowing that they were not a couple. I
couldn’t wrap my brain around it, until the gentleman slipped out “you know,
they live right near mom.” Oh! They were brother and sister!
This realization was interesting to me on a few levels.
Number one: I never had a brother, and it is a relationship that I have never
fully understood. Number two: Why is it that I assume women and men can only
have candid and real conversations when they are a couple, or siblings? This made
me reflect on my friendships with men. I think on some level I have always
bought into the whole “When Harry Met Sally” reasoning that women and men can’t
really be friends because the sex stuff always gets in the way, except that I
agree with Harry’s alteration to this rule, which was that when both
parties are in serious relationships it can also work. I would have to say one party in a serious relationship does it as well (and, of course, if one of them is gay, it also works.) I know this because as soon as I find
out a man is in a relationship, I find myself instantly feeling more at ease
with them. I am allowed to be friendly without them taking it to mean something
else. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule that have developed through
the years, but the majority of cases do follow it.
I think what it really boils down to is this: I am so afraid
of giving someone the wrong impression (ie: leading them on in some way) that I
put up a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) wall. The funny thing about
this is that I sometimes do it before I even have a chance to decide if I might
actually be possibly interested in someone. It's also a pretty good barrier for me, to keep me from developing feelings for someone in case they turn out to only be interested in being friends.
Now, I have a new goal. My new goal is to break this rule,
and allow my friendships to blossom with the men in my life without assuming
that they will want to sleep with me, or that it has to go anywhere near that
direction. Also, if it does, and I am not interested, it’s not the end of the
world to say “I think we’re more buddy material than dating material.” On the other hand, if it does, and I am the party interested, and the other party is not, I will live. It
requires a lot more bravery to go with the flow, and have a friendship without
planning where it is going, but I think I am ready to do it.
"I'll have what she's having"
Love and kindness all.
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