Okay, we are less than a week away, and it suddenly hit me this week that I have been feeling a little bit too relaxed about this whole routine, to the point where I have not practiced half as much as I did at this point last year. So from now on, any second I have to spare goes directly towards rehearsing. And that is that! Mama needs a little discipline.
So the routine has been taking focus the last couple of days...although I have added a lot of elements this year that I haven't been able to practice with, so I'm afraid there will actually be quite a bit of improvisation... which is....exciting!! Yes, let's stick with "exciting." I won't give anything away, but let's just say I am proud to bring in an element of food as a pleasurable indulgence. Haha, it sounds really sexual when I say it like that.
Anyway, the routine and more so the fundraising details have been occupying my mind these last few days until I noticed a little red bump near my bikini line, that is indeed an ingrown hair. I started to FREAK OUT. It's hard enough to get naked, but when you have an IMPERFECTION?? How can I go out there?? A million ideas ran through my mind: Just drop out now, say you're really sick with the flu, or contagious with something like... scarlet fever, is that still a thing? No, no, just... wear big shorts, it could be funny, right? No, we are just going to have to get rid of it.
I don't want to get too into the details that may be gross to some people, but we'll just say that I looked up every home remedy I could find on the internet and tried pretty much all of them. When I woke up the next morning, I kept my eyes closed just a little bit longer than normal, praying that it had just disappeared overnight. It hadn't. I spent the next hour and a half re-doing all of the home remedies and trying not to cry. I then stopped and looked at myself, and took a breath. It's a bump. It is almost 100% a sure thing it will be gone by Monday, but in the event that it is not, what are we going to do? Is it really the end of the world and worth this much mental energy? I think not. We shall cover it up with make-up and move on. End of issue.
Along with that, I got out of the shower yesterday and suddenly felt a pang of anxiety- and these thoughts floating in my head "I am going to get naked again, and I feel like I looked better last year! What if people are comparing me to what I looked like before?" If this is not total psychosis, I don't know what is. I have gone so far off the deep end, I am worried about being compared to...myself!!!
It's quite funny to really take a moment and try to figure out what is actually going on in my brain, and I've discovered it is this: For some reason I cannot really see myself as I look most of the time. I see myself as I want to look, and it is almost like I am ignoring the actual image of myself because I am ashamed, and don't want to face reality. How sad is that? Sad on so many levels. I'm sad for myself, as much as for anyone else who feels this way. When I look at other people, I see them. I accept them, and I would hope to do the same for myself.
Well, here and now, is my moment of truth. My promise and vow: "I promise to be brave. I promise to show myself, as I am, and make people feel good about themselves. I promise to do my darndest to quiet those little voices of negativity, and just be. To just BE! To except myself as I am, to love myself, and to give of myself as an act of service. No matter what."
Let's just remind myself why we are doing this in the first place: To change the images of what "sexy" is, to embrace unique body types and celebrate a variety of bodies, and to have fun accepting ourselves as we are, and being hilarious and sexy. Hell yes! Interestingly I was talking to a young man that I don't know very well about how scary it was to try this for the first time last year, and he asked me "Did you suddenly start thinking you were going to be going against your feminist self?" And the question actually took me aback, because I thought "No, the exact opposite actually. I think this is one of the most feminist acts I have ever done in my life"
How is that for something to be proud of?
Love and kindness all.
