Maybe it's because it's my birthday into a new decade next week, or maybe it's the usual time of year for thinking about change, but I find myself weeding through a familiar web of questions this April.
First, and foremost, what do I really want to do with this life, ie: what is my purpose. I have heard the phrase "finding your purpose is the purpose of life" and although I do agree that the journey is the important part, I find myself really analyzing this life I lead.
I think it can be a very easy thing to let ideals slide away in this biz of show. I see it happening everyday, and I am not immune.
As an actor in this big city of Toronto, I am grasping at any opportunity to act, because I am so starving for it. If it happens to pay, I am salivating at the bit, so that I find myself ready to drop EVERYTHING for a callback for a staples commercial where the extent of my acting is to look up and notice another human, and then go back to looking at the floor. I know I am not alone in this. It is really easy to lose sight, because in a game where opportunity passes me by hundreds of times, I just want someone to say "yes", and I am so excited by the prospect of someone saying "yes", that I will do (almost) anything!
So, let's just step back for a second. Why did I decide to be an actor int he first place? Well that's an interesting question. I was 9, and I auditioned for a school play, and turned out to be decently good at it, so my mom put me into acting lessons. When I was 12 I landed my first professional gig, and I kind of just kept going! Now that I am (more of) an adult, I have more reasoning behind my choice. I believe in art (and specifically Theatre/film) as a necessity for growth, for beauty, for culture, for entertainment, for laughter, for heart ache, for a mirror into ourselves, for a peek hole into a world unknown, for depth, for nurturing the younger generation, for a glorious escape into the beauty of story telling, to open our stereotyped minds, a means to change the way we view beauty/ideal body types/mass media garbage, to see women and men in a new and interesting light.
But is that all? I do believe in the creation of great art, for all of the reasons listed above, and I love acting, but maybe I love acting because it fulfills a very selfish need? Maybe I could be of better use/ purpose working at a task that directly helps others?
So, here's the deal: Do I REALLY believe that creating Theatre/ Film, and my reasons behind it, are important enough to devote my life to? If the answer is yes, then it's about time to be truly MAKING the work I want to see, and making that the priority, and stop letting shitty commercial auditions have a power over me like no other! If the answer is no, it is time to start thinking about what really is important enough to put my life energy into.
And lastly, to have faith. Faith that I can make a difference, whatever way I choose, and the right way to do it will become clear.
In all honesty, I know that the answers will become clear to me, I just also know it is important to ask the questions.
Love and kindness all.
