Specifically, today, I was thinking about honesty. This came about because I was writing a preliminary list of new years resolutions. (Yes you read that correctly. I have a passion for writing lists, so I was writing a list of what I will be writing a list about... oy) Anyway, one of my bullet points was "try to become more honest."
In the last few months of my life I have been consciously making an effort to be more honest with myself and other people. Man is it hard. I have become completely aware of the amount of times I catch myself wanting to lie. It's funny, considering the fact that I am a terribly liar, you'd think that honesty wouldn't be a problem for me. Somehow, that isn't the case. It's not usually what I would call "outright lying" per se, more like tiny stretches of the truth... let me give you an example:
A few months ago I had a doctors appointment. Nothing major, nothing pressing, really just a follow-up. I woke up the morning of my appointment and I felt like shit. Not really completely physically sick, but exhausted, and emotionally stripped down. I decided that I really did not want to go to my 9 AM appointment, so I made the executive decision to call and cancel.
I don't like to cancel things. Especially not last minute. It happens enough in my life that I am forced to change plans due to auditions and other such things that come up, that I really try to keep the plans I have if I can, but sometimes I don't. This was one of those times.
I called up the office, and as the secretary answered, I felt my heart start racing. I was terrified. In a panic, I mumbled something about being really sick into the phone and coughed and weezed, and said I would not be able to make it to my appointment. The secretary replied with a simple "okay, thanks for letting us know" and it was over.
After a moment, I sat there in my bed and thought about what crazy demon had just possessed me into pretending to be sick over the phone. It was fear. (My old friend.) I was terrified that this woman (a stranger) would think I was rude or irresponsible for not going to my appointment. Isn't that interesting. In my reflection I started to think through how ridiculous that was. Why did it matter what this stranger thought of me? If I felt that bad about it, maybe I should have just gone? If it was important enough for me to stay home, why would I feel bad about that? Why did I feel the need to lie?
So there you have it. A simple, needless lie.
In this new year, of 2014, I propose an effort to stop this needless lying. Would it have been that terrible to just say "I can't come in to the appointment today?" Of course not. When the grocery store clerk asks me if I have plans for new years, I could just say "no," I don't need to squeak out a "yes" as to not make her feel sorry for me, and appease the situation. Of course, there's also a need to be more honest with myself. Do I really need to buy that pair of boots just because they are on sale? Am I really happy with my job? Maybe I do need another scoop of coconut bliss?
Stand up with me people! Let's let 2014 be the year of honesty!
Love and kindness all.
