I joined a gym this week. I feel a whole mix of emotions surrounding this decision, which from the outside seems very simple.
I had a consultation with some guy named Justice. It was quite funny, I walked up to the front desk and said that I had an introductory consult, and the girl at the desk said "Ok, you have an appointment with Justice." I laughed and said "Well that sounds ominous" and she just kind of blinked at me. Tough crowd.
Anyway, Justice showed me the gym and did his job trying to sell it to me, and he did a good enough job despite his over enthusiasm and obvious manipulation that I did in fact join. One of the things they gave me is a free personal training consultation. Now, there are two things about this that have bothered me in the past. The last gym I went to I refused the beginning consult because I knew that they would 1) be trying to sell me personal training and 2) that I would have to actually have someone measure and witness my overall weight/body fat index. That thought was terrifying. I didn't even want to know what it was. This time, however, I said yes.
I showed up for my first ever personal training session.. well 5 minutes late. I realized as I was running down the block to get there in time that I had forgotten to bring a lock for my locker, and I would need one for sure. I ran into a dollar store and bought the first one I saw, and then ran back to the gym (I was getting a head-start on my work out.... sorry bad joke.) I got changed, wrote my lock combo on a piece of paper and stuck it the only place I felt was safe: in my shoe, and I strolled off to meet my trainer. He was a lovely guy, very charming but also down to earth and I was put at ease in a matter of minutes. He also quickly dropped that he had a girlfriend which also helped to defuse any of those crazy thoughts wondering "is he flirting with me or doing his job? Should I be less friendly, I don't want to give him the wrong idea? Will he still flirt with me once he sees how out of shape I am?" Thank god.
I won't go into full detail of how much of a fool I made of myself, but
let's just say that I am a teensy bit out of shape, and when I was shown
how to actually properly do a push up and use the muscles I am meant
to, I collapsed on the bar and almost choked myself on it. The ab work
outs were pretty funny too, and one upper body strength exercise on an exercise ball went so poorly that I fell very awkwardly onto the ground, kind of along the lines of a flapping fish out of water, and he decided we should just move on to the next exercise. In any case, it was
informative, and I see that I am definitely starting at the beginning.
Anyway, some of the questions that he asked me were ridiculous, and I found it amusing how difficult it was to explain my actor-y lifestyle on this teeny little form. However some of the questions actually hit me quite hard. I was asked by Justice the day before what celebrity I would like my body to look like and I was stunned. I couldn't believe that they were asking me that. It felt like they were asking me if I was getting a nose job, who's nose would I want. It seemed ridiculous, but I was too shocked to come up with an intelligent answer, however when it came up with my trainer today I simply said "I don't want to try to look like anyone but me. I know that I will never look like a certain celebrity as I have a different body type than them, and so it would only be unrealistic." luckily my cool trainer loved this answer, and we moved on.
This is what brings me to one of my many whirling emotions about joining a gym. There is a part of me that feels bad, like I am betraying who I am by saying that I want to change my body. I am such a believer that the television and film industry does not come even CLOSE to representing the body types of the real world, particularly women, and I have always said that I will not conform. Now, that said, I also think that part of that voice is completely right, and part of that voice is fear. Part of that voice is an excuse that I give to myself so that I can't possibly fail. I also know in my heart that I will never be a crazy skinny hollywood lady, so I really don't have to worry about feeling that I am conforming, as I can control that.
The part of me that is coming from fear knows that I am not at my healthiest. It knows that I am terrified by the idea of making a goal and not being able to reach it. It knows that in my heart, up until today, I never thought it could be possible for me to be anything but the slightly chubby, but not huge girl lacking in muscle and athleticism. It wasn't until I heard my trainer say that it would be absolutely possible for me to reach my goals that I ever considered it possible. That's pretty cool.
Now as for the actual beginning measurements, I was still hesitant,
but my trainer said it best when he explained "You are already what you
are, and not knowing the numbers won't change that, but knowing the
numbers will bring it into your awareness." Basically, ignoring the
problems does not make them go away. Smart man.
Of course I still have some issue with some gym techniques, and manners, and I cannot afford to continue personal training, and I have been taught through Alexander technique and movement work that I have to be aware of my own body and keep tabs that I am not over-using any of my muscles in the wrong way. So I will not be entirely drinking the kool-aid, is what I'm saying. However, I have never seen the experience in such a positive light before. I have also never asked for help with it, and now I have.
As for my last main issue, it is simply this: I have been working hard at accepting myself and loving myself just the way I am. If that is true, isn't it wrong to say that I need to get into better shape? In fact that is the justification I have given myself. The true answer is: no. By truly loving myself I can accept myself no matter what I look like, or how in shape I am. That is independent of the fact that because I truly love myself, I want to do what I can to keep my body healthy and strong, to be a vessel to work with and carry out whatever it is that I am supposed to do. Because I love myself, I am making changes. The true blessing in this is that I want to succeed, but there is no need to fear if I fail, because I will still always love myself no matter what.
Love and kindness all.
